Our God is so amazing! There are times He just so overwhelms me, especially when I feel like I’m disappointing Him. The “feeling” that I’m a disappointment is quite real for me and something I often battle with – not only towards God but in life generally.
For example, I woke up in the night (I don’t know what time) and thought about getting up to pray. However, my body had no such inclination and was determined to stay in bed. All kinds of thoughts argued in my mind as to why I need to sleep rather than pray. I have a busy time at work; have lots to do in the morning, can get up later, can pray tomorrow night and make up for it – blah, blah, blah.
But then there were the thoughts that wanted to get up and be with the Lord. As a result, this little war in my head caused two things to happen. One, I did not get up, two I did not sleep! I drifted in and out of consciousness throughout the rest of the night. And the argument about getting up and sleeping continued.
In the midst of this argument I remember thanking the Lord for being so good to me. He seemed totally unaware of the fight between my body and my spirit. He just focused on me and in my conscious moments fellowshipped with me. So great is His goodness.
Then the alarm went off and it was time for coffee. The argument ceased, and I was perfectly happy that it was time to get up. Then I remembered not getting up and a wave of disappointment swept over my soul. Immediately thoughts of uselessness arose, and how can I ever expect to be anything for the Lord, I’m a failure, I’m not good enough, I’m going to end up sick, broken and in poverty. All of them focused on the fact that I was too lazy to get up and pray. Depression and discouragement hit me like a bolt of lightning.
Feeling really bad I turned to the Lord to ask Him to forgive me. Before I had even had the time to formulate a sentence, He asked me a question. He said, “Sweetheart, do you like doing the things that give you pleasure?” In a bit of a daze I said, “Yes!” “So do I,” came His gentle reply. Suddenly He flooded me with a download (a download is when He speaks a whole lot of things that arrive in your mind in a flash) and I was left to “think” them out.
In short, He said that it is the Father’s great pleasure to give me the kingdom. He likes talking to me and showing me things. He likes being with me and He likes working in me. He is not concerned about whether my “posture” in prayer is “religiously correct.” He likes walking and talking to me ALL the time. He is not looking for my “religiously correct” behaviour, He is looking for my fellowship with Him in my heart, regardless of where I am. He would have been perfectly happy if I had prayed in bed all night. I was the one with the issue, not Him.
He then “unpacked” what was going on within me and why I have some of the battles I experience in my life with Him. I am still processing these and will share them with you in my next blog – once I have them sorted in my own mind.
When you have struggles in your mind with your relationship with the Lord know this – He loves you more than you currently comprehend. He is more in favour of you than you currently believe. He is more determined to shower you with His goodness than you desire. He is far more involved with you that you currently imagine.
He is ALWAYS WITH YOU and ALWAYS FOR YOU! He is NEVER against you and will NEVER leave you.
May your day be filled with love! 💖
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